To John Carll

I'm sorry.
I forgot that I was synching notes from this blog.

I never meant to tell you like that and I'm sorry that it happened the way it did. .

I know how much this hurts. I really wish I felt differently and I wish there was something I could do to make everthing better.

But I'm not God, and I can't.

I feel physically sick because of how guilty I feel and I wish that I had never posted that blog.

I'm not asking you to forgive me, because I know you won't want to right away.
I completely understand if you never want to see me again. Being "just friends"with someone for which I had feelings is the hardest thing I've ever done and I would understand if you wanted to completely shun me.

Right now, I have song lyrics running through my head, and I wish I could do better than just quote them at you.

" I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

"...each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved"

I'm so sorry. I know that this will never make it up to you, and I wish that somehow I could.

As If This Day Couldn't Get Any More Complex

I hate knowing things I shouldn't know. When I do, I constantly have to watch my back and my mouth to make sure I don't reveal information that I shouldn't know in the first place.

Another guy likes me.
A guy I don't like back.

He's almost two years older than me, which makes him seem more like an older brother than a potential boyfriend. I'm just not attracted to him in any way.

What makes it worse is the fact that we're really good friends. When he tells me himself how he feels, I'm worried about the whole "we can still be friends" situation. I know what that's like and I honestly don't want to put him through that, but I don't want to lose one of my best friends.

Love Isn't So Easy After All

I hate weekends. I hate them so much, and for one reason only: There's too much time to think.

These past two days, I learned two things which I wish I had never known.

#1. He left a comment on one of his ex's pics saying "Ur Still Beautiful".
It's only been a few days since the breakup, a breakup he initiated. Am I just his rebound girl? Am I wasting genuine feelings on someone who's just going to use me?

#2. He told a friend that while he does like me, he's worried that we're "too different." e.g. I'm quiet and calm while he's more outgoing.
I don't know what to do about this one. If I "change" my personality, not only will I look fake, but I'll be lying to both he and myself. This has gone so well so far, and now all these unforseen problems are appearing at an alarming rate. I'm so confused right now.

Some poetry/prose from the last few days

Perhaps those blue eyes which froze the merrily flowing cerulean stream inside my own, now hold the key to luring Spring back into my heart, unlocking my tongue that I may speak that which has been frozen inside through this everlasting winter.
***
That curiosity which once denied me the happiness
which at the time, I believed
I so rightly deserved,
Has reversed the role it previously played,
mending the heart it once broke.

May 4, 2007 - Out of My Dreams

I stood there with my heart in my hands, and it paid off. Well, not exactly the way I planned, but all that matters is that I did it.
So, it's kind of "unofficial" right now. We both like each other and we both know it, we're just not "going out", but who can blame him? He just came out of a long-distance relationship and breakup and it's only been a week since.
But all that matters right now is that we both know how we both feel. I'm willing to wait as long as he needs, but when he's ready, I'll be standing here with my heart in my hands, though this time, I need not fear it being broken.

This is an amazing feeling.

May 3, 2007 - The Adventure

Sometimes life is like a maze or a brain teaser. You seem like you're going in the wrong direction, that this can't possibly be the right way and everything seems like it's going to fail. But suddenly you round a corner and everything falls into place.
That's what happened to me.
This situation, the one that's seemed so desolate, has completely turned around. Doors are opened before my eyes and I know God's hand is in this situation. What I once assumed, and took for granted as the impossible, now is tangible, right in front of my eyes.
Tonight I leave the past behind and tomorrow, I will stand in the threshold, with my heart in my hands.
Maybe he'll feel the same way, maybe he won't.

But my heart says he will, and this time I will listen to it. So many times, I have failed simply because I have let my head take control and frankly, I'm sick of it.

I can't fail this time; I just can't. He is the one I have been dreaming of for months, the one guy who has taken me for who I am, not how I look. He makes me laugh, and never at anyone's expense.


"It's so easy, when you know the rules
It's so easy, all you have to do is fall in love...
This is your life, don't play hard to get
It's a free world, all you have to do is fall in love
play the game, everybody play the game of love"
-Queen "Play the Game"

I'm not letting it get away this time.

April 25, 2007 - Because I'll Never Let This Go

I know it seems lame, but I still haven't moved on. Every day I see his face and I can't let go of what might have been. It's been almost a month since he officially was taken away from me, and I still hope that maybe there's a chance for me.
The hardest part is still being friends. If I didn't have to see his face every day, maybe I could move on. Maybe if I could find a reason to hate him, I could leave this all behind.
But I can't, and so I'm stuck here in loserland.

"One day you'll get sick of
Saying that everything’s alright
And by then I’m sure ill be
Pretending just like I am tonight
Because I'll never let this go,
But I can't find the words to tell you.
I don't wanna be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you."

February 14, 2007 - I Am Finding Out That Maybe I Was Wrong

The connect the dots puzzle wasn't messed up. That was the right answer to the crossword puzzle. Evidence doesn't lie.
Sometimes I wonder why I listen to my heart instead of my head. I've gotten myself in so much trouble doing so, and yet I feel that if I were to rely on my head instead of my heart, I'd be jaded.

I just don't know anymore...

February 14, 2007-The Dark Side of Optimism

I know I should give up, that he probably doesn't like me and that he probably never will. All evidence points to that conclusion.
But I can't make myself give up. I can't make myself let go.
Sometimes I wonder if I connected the wrong dots, the ones with the numbers that didn't match up. Or put the wrong word in the crossword puzzle and totally screwed the other answers.
There's nothing left for me to do but give up, but the optimistic side won't let me let go.

February 11, 2007 - Time Like Molasses

I'm importing old entries from a journal on another site, so dates obviously won't match up just yet.

I never thought I'd let myself feel like this again, but here I go, right back where I started. I promised myself I'd never let myself fall for a guy this hard without having some evidence to back it up. I promised myself I'd never get hurt again. I promised myself I'd change. But no matter where I look, I see his face. There is nothing I can do to escape. I think I may love him, but does he love me back? This waiting is about to kill me. The indecision and apathy is smothering me. I'd give anything to send him a letter telling him how I feel, but I only have his myspace and sending an email would make me seem like a cheesy dweeb. But if I wait any longer, I think I may go insane. Only eleven hours until I see him again... Please, please don't let me dig myself a deeper hole.