To John Carll

I'm sorry.
I forgot that I was synching notes from this blog.

I never meant to tell you like that and I'm sorry that it happened the way it did. .

I know how much this hurts. I really wish I felt differently and I wish there was something I could do to make everthing better.

But I'm not God, and I can't.

I feel physically sick because of how guilty I feel and I wish that I had never posted that blog.

I'm not asking you to forgive me, because I know you won't want to right away.
I completely understand if you never want to see me again. Being "just friends"with someone for which I had feelings is the hardest thing I've ever done and I would understand if you wanted to completely shun me.

Right now, I have song lyrics running through my head, and I wish I could do better than just quote them at you.

" I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

"...each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved"

I'm so sorry. I know that this will never make it up to you, and I wish that somehow I could.

As If This Day Couldn't Get Any More Complex

I hate knowing things I shouldn't know. When I do, I constantly have to watch my back and my mouth to make sure I don't reveal information that I shouldn't know in the first place.

Another guy likes me.
A guy I don't like back.

He's almost two years older than me, which makes him seem more like an older brother than a potential boyfriend. I'm just not attracted to him in any way.

What makes it worse is the fact that we're really good friends. When he tells me himself how he feels, I'm worried about the whole "we can still be friends" situation. I know what that's like and I honestly don't want to put him through that, but I don't want to lose one of my best friends.

Love Isn't So Easy After All

I hate weekends. I hate them so much, and for one reason only: There's too much time to think.

These past two days, I learned two things which I wish I had never known.

#1. He left a comment on one of his ex's pics saying "Ur Still Beautiful".
It's only been a few days since the breakup, a breakup he initiated. Am I just his rebound girl? Am I wasting genuine feelings on someone who's just going to use me?

#2. He told a friend that while he does like me, he's worried that we're "too different." e.g. I'm quiet and calm while he's more outgoing.
I don't know what to do about this one. If I "change" my personality, not only will I look fake, but I'll be lying to both he and myself. This has gone so well so far, and now all these unforseen problems are appearing at an alarming rate. I'm so confused right now.